Even though President Obama’s speech at West Point was a few weeks ago, people are still talking about it. Why? Because nobody knows what he said! What? You say you missed this historic adventure in rhetoric, even though he broadcast at the same time he always does, during the dinner hour on the west coast, and prime time on the east coast, preempting everyone’s favorite TV shows? Well, cheer up! Your ol’ pal, Bob is going to carry the day once again by offering some sweet cliff notes, and not just any cliff notes; the special “read between the lines” edition.
Here we go: Enjoy!
“I want to remind everyone about what an important war we have going on in Afghanistan. The Taliban harbored those horrible terrorists who authorized the attack on 9/11. And remember, should this dangerous, evil movement overthrow the government of Pakistan right next door, they will acquire a nuclear weapon and we know people like that would not hesitate to use such a weapon and this is simply not acceptable (although I’m not doing much about Iran’s nuclear weapon in the hands of a man who denies the holocaust and threatens to wipe out all Jews). Therefore, because Afghanistan is the good war, instead of that mean and nasty and unnecessary war George Bush got us into, I am going to send in 30.000 more troops. But I will only send them in such a way that we make plans now about bringing them home. Hear that kids? Good news and bad news! You’re shipping out! You’re coming home! We need a timetable, so our troops will definitely withdraw in 18 months, although, that will only begin the withdrawal. We won’t complete the exodus without assessing the situation. Then we will leave (or not leave) so I guess that really isn’t a time table after all, but it kind of sort of is. To those on the Left, remember we are withdrawing in 18 months! Come on guys, chill out! So you’re against this war. You can hang with me for 18 months, can’t you? It’s just 18 months for crying out loud! I mean, that’s nothing! And for you on the Right, don’t worry. We are only beginning to leave in 18 months! In fact (Heh Heh) we might not really leave anyway. You see, on one hand, we need to increase our deployment, but on the other hand, we need to decrease our deployment. There are always two hands, a left hand and a right hand, and that’s why I take care of both of my hands, especially since 18 months brings us just a few months shy of my reelection bid and I can read the polls at that time and see how people feel about the war before I start debating new challengers. Pretty cool how I figured out that 18-month number, isn’t it? And you all thought I just pulled a number out of a hat.! A lot you know! But, anyway, that election is a long way off. Meanwhile, for now, let me tell you how I feel about the war: It’s an extremely important cause because not only are our national interests at stake, the interests of THE ENTIRE WORLD are at stake, so we absolutely, positively must defeat this enemy unless we have not defeated them in 18 months, in which case, we may or may not stay, but even if we leave, they are not totally our responsibility anyway, despite the fact that they hate us and have sworn to destroy us even if they have to die in the process and receive 72 virgins as a reward in the next life. After all, the peaceful Muslim governments of Pakistan and Afghanistan need to take care of the not so peaceful Muslims who have hijacked this great world religion founded by a man who taught Jihad. And so, my fellow Americans, on the one hand, we send more troops. On the other hand, we plan now to have fewer troops. And folks, just quit fighting about all this. Our country has been too divisive lately. Well , not everyone. Not the Democrats. Just those Republicans. If they would simply do everything my way, we could finally have genuine bi-partisanship. Did I mention that I inherited their mess? Yeah, I inherited it from them and their leader, George Bush, the guy I ran against in the last election and the guy I’ll run against in the next election. (McCain? Who’s that?) Because if my strategy works in Afghanistan, I will take a bow, but if the situation is still problematic, remember, George Bush started this mess, although I agreed with him about the Afghanistan thing but we are doing poorly in Afghanistan because he brought us into Iraq and that will still be the reason we have problems over there in 18 months if we happen to have them. Oh yeah, one more thing. Don’t forget, America with all its faults has done more to help the world financially and militarily than any other nation. We are the best country in the world, even though I recently traveled around the world apologizing for what a bad country we were. But I had to do that. After all, our reputation was bad before I took office because, (like I keep telling you) I inherited this mess from GEORGE W. BUSH!!!!!!!!!!!”
Bob Siegel is a weekend radio talk show host on KCBQ and columnist. His show can be heard at www.bobsiegel.net.