Fiorina and the Cruz Hindenburg

Erica Holloway Erica Holloway Leave a Comment


Carly Fiorina stood on the airship platform contemplating her political future.

Standing just inside the cabin, Ted Cruz extended a clammy palm to yank her aboard for the last hurrah of his crashing presidential campaign.

“There’s enough fuel to get us both some more air time,” he wagered, his hands trembling. “We can even call it a ‘ticket’ and you can put Vice Presidential candidate on your LinkedIn.”

Cruz-Fiorina Ticket

Cruz-Fiorina ticket catches fire.

Her lips pursed.

“Can we do an announcement?” she negotiated. “I have this song I’ve been singing around the house.”

His shoulders slumped, his hand fell to his side.

“Fine,” he caved. “But can I hug you awkwardly, rather than shake your hand like I would any other running mate?”

She considered the optics, thinking to herself: “Not like I have any name recognition. I probably couldn’t run successfully for city council.  And Cruz is roasted after Indiana anyway, so it’s not like it’s ‘real’ or long-term.”

Fiorina took a gulp and nodded.

“Oh boy, oh boy, this is just going to be terrific!” Cruz clapped, hopping up and down. “I’m so excited, I could shoot some basketball rings right now.”

Across the universe, Donald Trump relaxed in a golden throne with Agent Orange-colored self-tanner slathered across his pleathered visage and sipping a cucumber water.

Shooting straight up, he felt a disturbance.

“MELANIA!” he screamed, flailing his tiny baby hands. “Check Gallup.”

The squinty-eyed beauty read out the end of April numbers: “Cruz’s favorability rating among Republicans sank to 41 percent positive and 43 percent negative, compared with 57 percent positive and 37 percent negative for Trump.”

He chuckled while wiping off his war paint.

“Making fun of being ‘presidential,’” he encircled his right thumb and forefinger. “I knew that would be yuuuuge.”

The adoring wife patted his shoulders, doting on his keen political insights.

Realizing the tingling sensation wasn’t his ruse coming to light. Quickly, he checked his most trusted news source – Twitter. Upon seeing Carly Fiorina trending, he flipped on his other most trust news source — CNN.

There, he saw his presidential nomination all but sown up as Cruz stepped aside on a platform and Fiorina entered, like some Bob Barker-esque “Look what you’ve won, Teddy” unveiling.

“It’s over,” he whispered. “Does that mean I can’t avoid debates anymore? I need to practice saying Tanzania right now.”

Meanwhile, somewhere, even now, John Kasich is enjoying a delicious meal on camera.

Erica Holloway is a sicko for still voting Republican. Connect @erica_holloway.


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